Trick and Treat

James, my FB avitar is reminiscent of the last time that crew, we've had fun recalling, went out trick or treating.  The crew's composition varied a little but, nearly always included Tate and Dillard who were also the chief instigators of whatever mischief we got into.

We’re out, probably Halloween 1959 or 1960, 15/16 years old, raising hell around the neighborhoods in Cooper’s old Chevy when Tate or Dillard spot some tykes crossing a lawn, their bags stuffed with their loot.  Don’t recall who yelled out the suggestion…but, the call to mischief went something like, “Let’s trick or treat those kids”

Coop locked the brakes and 5 or 6 pre-juvenile delinquents jumped out of the Chevy, arms waving, yelling, “Trick or Treat.”  Now, if you recall that crew, they were all large lads, by this time at or past 6’ tall, most of them football players.

Those poor little tykes didn’t hesitate an instant…they dropped their loot bags and ran for the hills!  Of course, that left a lot of loot on the ground and saved the trouble of having to find a sheet to throw over a 6’ frame and suffer the adults’ admonitions of our being too old for trick or treating.

I hope we left most of that loot where it fell, although it’s likely, given that crew’s composition, some of it was picked up and taken away.  Always felt kind of bad about that one on account of the kids’ reactions being so instantaneous and unexpected. 
 

But it was the girls’ fault, of course.  They hadn’t invited any of us to a Halloween party, thus taking us off the streets; nope, this was the year they discovered the enchantment of older men….Juniors and Seniors with drivers’ licenses that none of us, except Coop had.  I’ll deal with that phenomena in the next blog piece or two.

This piece generated a funny exchange in Facebook.....

A.B. - So let me get this straight. You're admitting to strong arm robbery for candy? 

Gus - Gee, I guess you could call it that...always thought of it as an instantaneous misunderstanding...I expected a little argument, not complete surrender and rapid retreat. Hope the statute of limitations has run out.

A.B. - I think you're safe. Murder is the only thing that I can think of that would extend to 50+ years on the statute of limitations.

L.C. - Ya'll are hysterical !!!!             I was one of those robbed & running...

            So not all the girls were at that Halloween party!!!
            You have to be kidding!... 6' tall bulked football players "afraid" of knocking on doors for their own candy for fear of being mistaken as adults?!!!
            Well ... On second thought maybe The Steal was The Thrill !!!             Happy Halloween!!! Now give my candy back!!!

A.B. - You're not likely to get the candy back and even if you did, you probably wouldn't want to eat it after all of this time. Tell me, was that your first mugging?

L.C. - Yes just one mugging...but it was back in the old days of less crime!!! Lol

J.F. - The group (or gang might be appropriate) Gus is talking about was an incredibly eccentric, intellectually brilliant, and funny bunch of teenagers. EHHS early '60's was a gold mine of such folks.

Gus - Now L.C., I'm pretty sure you're funnin' me here....you were a larger kid by then than the ones Tate and Dillard mugged, thus acquiring a nice Trick or Treat haul without all the work. Besides, since none of this crew was disguised that night so, you would have recognized us and most likely not been inclined to take off running. This was also the evening of papering the trees at selected homes, egging, and whatever other miscellaneous mischief we could stir up. Usually a midnight tour of Rose Hill was on the schedule. So, you see there was a lot to do. Topping it all off were cokes and fries at the Lancaster St. drive-in where other unattached revelers tended to wind down. If we were lucky, some of the Poly Chain Gang remnants were there also...and, if we were really lucky, so was Brandon, Sam, and a few others who knew how to fight...something none of us really perfected. That probably goes to the relatively elevated intelligence James suggests; that being, we likely understood there was little upside to be enjoyed from a fight and there could be some significant downside such as unnecessary discomfort. Can you believe it...there were no alcoholic spirits involved in any of these tours and I don't recall any smoking, either. Of course for some of them, that would come later.

Gus - James, thanks...it's nice to have 3rd party confirmation of what I recall about that gang of semi-delinquents. Otherwise, I might feel odd recalling them and the times as fondly as I do.

J.F. - That was my thought, Gus. You do need backup confirmation when you tell some of the tales of this group. Unbelievable stuff to many people. For example, one time when on a river camping trip to the Brazos River that included a few females who had the b...well, you know, to be there, Guthrie comes back to campsite from the river barefooted and wearing only soaking wet jeans, no shirt. Everybody else is sitting around in a group talking. Then, it was slowly noticed by everybody that Guthrie's crotch is larger than usual and is jumping around in an odd looking way. He had caught some kind of fish and put it in his underwear just for the laugh. And, it was so funny to all of us. Of course, the gals were the first to notice and freaked out, calling him all kinds of names. Guthrie acted the whole time like he has no clue what they're talking about.

Gus - One of my old classmates figured me out on the basis of humor. It was down to a choice between me or Guthrie. The tie-breaker was that my humor in his memory tended to be subtle where Guthrie was laugh out loud funny. He and McCoy had been classmates apart from all the rest of that MJH gang as they matriculated through Poly Ele together since 1st grade. By the time they joined us at MJH, they had their duet finely honed over a period of 6-years or so...then, we stirred in Dillard and Tate and McCook, et al.

Adios

Anonymous Boswell

!!

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Dirty Old Man

Arte Johnson was one of my favorite Laugh-In characters, but finding good HQ pictures of him in character is difficult. As I was readying this one for use as one of my avitars on Facebook, I asked a passing offspring to identify the character pictured. Offspring had no idea.

It struck me that although channels like Nickelodeon have rebroadcast many of the old Laugh-In shows and our kids may have seen them while they were growing up in the 1970s - 1990s, they probably didn’t appreciate the topical humor of the sixties. It’s probably true that anyone age 55 and younger has little appreciation for this terrific comedian and for Laugh-In. Too damn bad…that means the humor of my avatar will be lost on most folks.

Very interesting. 

Adios

Rules For Guys

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
 
These are our rules!
 
Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
 
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
 
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
 
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
 
1. Crying is blackmail.
 
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
 
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
 
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
 
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
 
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
 
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
 
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
 
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
 
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
 
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
 
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
 
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
 
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
 
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
 
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
 
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
 
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, other women or cars.
 
1. You have enough clothes.
 
1. You have too many shoes.
 
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
 
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Author unknown

Best & Worst Dates

Now and then someone on Facebook will pose an interesting question such as today.  It was, What was the single best date you had in high school, and what was the single worst date you had?

My worst didn't take much thought, but my best escaped me for a few minutes, then returned.

Gus:  Hard to recall the best...guess I was lucky, they were all mostly very good. However, I did have a 90-second date that might qualify for the worst, if it had lasted any longer. In the days of bench front seats, it was kind of standard for your date to slide over right next to you. No seat belts in those days....horrors ! But it was nice to have her close and served as an early indicator of her mood. One sorority girl, a blind date I think, got in and pasted herself hard against the passenger side door as far away as she could get. I swear she must have had red imprints from the window and door knobs digging into her side ! By the first stop sign, she had not uttered a word. I made a right turn, followed by three more and delivered her back to the front door of the sorority house where I had picked her up....90-seconds earlier! "Let's not waste any more of each other's time," I say, and that was that.

Gus later:  Hold on, I do recall the best. A blind date lined up by a girl I had been dating, but she found me too "practical" for her taste; she, being someone who liked to party, sometimes with her drawers on her head...we were a little older by then. So, I go to the new girl's apartment to pick her up, the door cracks open just a bit, and I see two of the largest, brightest eyes I've ever seen peeking around from behind the door. Then, a blue furry hand puppet peers around the door, its large eyes joining hers. It was Grover. We were married a month later...you see, I had a Cookie Monster puppet on my hand behind my back. That date has lasted 36-years now.

Adios

Irate Passenger - Cool Agent

Story borrowed from a Facebook posting...think I've heard this one before but, it's still funny:

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
 
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
 
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
 
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
 
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
 
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
 
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
 
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
 
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Adios

Nairobi Trio

Always loved this Ernie Kovaks bit when I was a kid...still do!

Ernie Kovaks and his wife, Edie Adams.

She's banging him on the head in the Nairobi Trio bit above.

Adios

Driver’s License Renewal – The Examiner

Over the span of your first few license renewals you learn that as long as you don’t allow your current license to expire, the renewal is fairly painless and does not involve a driving test…and another go at the dreaded “parallel park” maneuver.  Even when renewing in a new state, you find that most states observe reciprocity with one another.  Usually, there’s no written test either…as long as your current license has not expired.

However, let your license expire and it’s a do it all over again situation…written and driving.  About 14-years after getting my first license as an EH sophomore, for whatever reasons involving a move to a new state, I let mine expire.  So, here we go again, the whole enchilada. 

We grew up in a segregated South where, when we first got our license, all highway troopers were Caucasian-Americans.  Fourteen-years later, that was no longer so.  Entering the written test area I notice a dude, similar to the one pictured, sitting on a stool, acting as the test proctor. 

Since I’ve got to take a driving test after the written, I had to write the description of the car I would be using for the test on their test form.  At that time I was driving one of those fast little foreign sports jobs that was the dream of every adolescent boy and unattached young man.  Its color and accessories screamed, “up yours” even when sitting still.

While I’m taking the written test, I notice the trooper casually scanning the papers, including the test car description.  The trooper gets up from his stool and steps over to one of his side-kicks for a short conference, referencing my papers.  Shortly, my trooper disappears, replaced by his side-kick, who takes over the proctor perch on the stool.

Grading the written test was quick, and within a few moments I’m outside for the driving test, wheeling my “up yours” car around to the starting line, a long CB antenna whipping in the air.  There’s my missing trooper dude, standing on the starting line, waiting for me, clipboard in hand.  A cool, pretty day…the top is off.

Somewhere I had read that the only limits required to be met during the driving test was to not drive recklessly and stay within the speed limit, and of course, meet all the other rules regarding stopping, yielding, and whatever else.  Reckless was defined as chirping the tires loose.  I reason that accelerating to the speed limit is at my discretion and turning corners can be done as quickly as I can turn them, as long as the tires don’t break loose—what’s to be concerned about?  I’ve been driving for 14-years, after all. 

Making sure my trooper is buckled up, off we go, going fast, turning fast, and stopping fast...but never chirping the tires.  Slamming around the surrounding neighborhoods, the loud, distinctive exhaust blasts its notes, and double clutching the gears up and down fills the air with a fairly consistent, tightly-wound, loud engine noise.  There are 5-gears on the floor, but only 2 are used for this test...we aren't going very fast, even though it sounds like we are.  Although my trooper is armed with a clipboard and test check list, he doesn’t mark on it…he’s engaged for most of the test in hanging onto his hat with one hand, and holding onto the chicken handle with the other.  He’s grinning, ear-to-ear and I think he waived the dreaded “parallel park.”

Back at the DPS shop, still grinning, he dismounts and says, “you handle it very well.”  Thanks, I say…it’s the third one and I’ve had plenty of practice.  Don’t recall another driving test since, but this one was a kick.

Zoom 

Driver’s License Renewal – The Gatekeeper

Got my license renewed yesterday.  It’s been 51-years since I passed that first fearful “parallel park” maneuver.  Although technology has changed radically over the past half-century, the periodic trip to DMV remains remarkably static…it’s often been a miserable event. Miserable clerks to blame, I think.

I’ve had licenses in about a half-dozen different states and all of them are similar…guess that’s not surprising since driving is similar in those various places, too.  Four wheels, a steering wheel, some signs, some lights, all about the same.  Except Colorado…there they want to be sure you know that it doesn’t take as much beer to make you dizzy, so they focus on a few tricky altitude-related questions. 

Years ago, in large cities, the lines and resulting wait could drag on for hours and sometimes result in finding that due to having overlooked some obscure sign in a huge room, you had been standing in the wrong line.  And seeking any sympathy from the mind-numbed clerks is fruitless anywhere.

Yesterday, I accompanied my eldest to get our renewals done.  Living in a small town helps avoid long lines, but nothing whatsoever improves the encounter with the ill-tempered, scowling Gatekeeper.  She looked very similar to the lady pictured above and she was absolutely impervious to my sexagenarian’s wit and charm.  Nothing worked…not quips, not winks, nothing.  Don’t recall her name…I’m sure it wasn’t Kristin or Misty.

Got my license, though…an 8-year deal, no restrictions.  If I’m still alive for the next renewal, I’ll be 75.  Eldest steps up to the unsmiling Broom-Hilda, smiles at her, compliments her Grinch pen, and the hag smiles back!  And she keeps smiling throughout Eldest’s gymnastics with the forms and pictures, even letting her check the picture result.  For goodness sake! 

Beep-beep

Digisexual - Dilbert

Been laughing so hard the past few days my sides are hurting...and along comes Dilbert with this gem.

Almost done with a serious post, once I can beat through the writer's block I've had with it.  Maybe up later today, or tomorrow.

G'day

Men & Women & Reunions

I picked up this piece somewhere online and found it amusing.  It was written by someone much younger than us, so I cleaned the language up a little.  Perhaps you will enjoy it as I did.

“As we get older, men realize that women are always changing (their minds, their outfits, their stance on fooling around, etc).  Before this happens though, we think the girls are the most confusing puzzles in the world.  I’ve always thought that if I was a kid and knew half of what I know now, I would have made a serious killing with the ladies.  Same thing goes for this: if I’d had this categorization of girls when I was a kid, I would have fathered at least five accidental children by now.  Check out our list of stereotypical high school girls below.

The Hottest Girl in School.  This girl was hot, and I mean smoking hot.  Sure, you are a little older and realize looks aren’t everything (but she's still at least a '7.5' though).  As you go up to talk to her at that welcome back party your buddy has over the summer, that nerdy kid who used to do the announcements comes up with two drinks.  "Thanks, babe," she replies.

Yes, the world can be a cruel place.

The Sleeper.  Remember that girl who you went to high school with?  Of course not!  You never had a class together, she wasn’t the best looking, and despised the people who smoked pot, so you were overlooked by her.

But now years later, you've reconnected… She’s actually pretty cool!  And you stand a good chance because she doesn't actually know you that well.

The Ex-Girlfriend.  Your ex was super hot in high school.  Well, at least you thought so.  But now that college and the freshman fifteen have entered the game, you begin to doubt your original opinions.  Sure, it might seem like she's gaining a pound every time you check her Facebook.  In reality, that's just her stock getting older and generally depreciating in value.  Thanks, societal norms!

The Old Fling.  You log onto Facebook, and your old fling seems to have found and added you.  The last time you saw her was freshman year of high school, hell, maybe even 8th grade.  She has a kid now?  What the f***?!?!?!  Boy time flies when you don’t check up on people.

Your Best Friend.  She was always there for you in High School  Oh yeah, she also really, really wanted to get you in the sack.  You threw her into the friend zone because... Actually, you can't remember why.

Now that nobody's sleeping with you, even she turns you down.  Life is tough. Just keep being nice and maybe she'll come around.

The Nerdy, Quiet One.  You know that company you want an internship with?  Well, that nerdy quiet girl you ignored your whole life just now happens to be the person interviewing you.

How did she get so good at promotions and social media?  She was never even at a single one of your parties.

The Overlooked One.  This girl went under the radar.  You (kinda) know who I'm talking about: sort of friends in high school, but that’s about it.  Friendly hellos in the hallway if you caught awkward eyes ever.

Never in a million years would you have thought that she would have been so gorgeous.  Maybe you should call her, and set up lunch or something.  Oh wait, no.  It's too late.

The One Who Didn't Like Boys.  It took you all those years to figure it out?”

Adios

In Praise of Woman

'Whatever you give a woman,
she will make greater.

If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house,
she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries,
she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges
what is given to her.

So, if you give her any shit,
be ready to receive a ton of crap!'

Dilbert - Promotions

Spot on, once again. . .

Adios

Occupy Flint. . . seriously!

. . . interesting juxtaposition . . .

Adios

Dilbert - Post Graduate Education

Got it?

Dilbert - Pointy Haired Boss on a Tear

A whole week of the boss on a tear. And below, remember this boss from the past?

Adios

Dilbert - Marketing

A little harsh, maybe...not too far off about marketing, though.

Adios

Dilbert - Apps & Creativity

Adios

Computers & Fords

I don’t normally forward email jokes etc. around, but this one sent to me by a friend, is worth sharing.  For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill Gates's comments, Ford issued a press release, stating:

'If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Adios

Dilbert - Servers Down

Scott Adams has nailed it again. When bankers buy a company, they usually have a 5-year horizon to "add value" and improve EBIT "matrices" before they dump their "financially engineered" creation off to another group of moneyed morons. Watch the old Wall Street film, ("greed is good") for a dramatization of what I'm talking about.

Generally, they have little clue about how the companies they purchase do their thing, but do know from the starting balance sheet that they can't screw things up so badly that it implodes before they dump it within their 5-year window.  In the meantime, they install a temporary "management team" of revolving door flunkies to watch over their pillaging of the company and do what they must to keep the bones together during that 5-year window.

Invariably, leaders similar to Dilbert's Pointy-Haired boss are installed at key positions and given the charge to reduce their “headcounts.”  One of the commonalities these pointy-haired leaders share is an almost manic drive to avoid taking responsibility for any of the technology being used by their “headcounts.”  To their underlings…the ones who are often responsible for the success of the enterprise the bankers bought…these new leaders are viewed as empty suits, which they often are.  Adams has captured one small glimpse of this dynamic very well indeed.

Adios